We Both Work Hard

I have been solo parenting on and off since the birth of our first child in 2012. My husband's work as a superintendent (carpenter by trade) has led him to various projects across the province of Saskatchewan. Some of his projects have been right here in Saskatoon and some have taken him to locations many hours away (occasionally with not great cell service). The schedule for each job site is different, there have been projects where he works away two weeks at a time or situations (like our current one) where he is away during the week. In my mind...away is away...it's hard whether it's four days or fourteen days. I think the length of the time away just lends itself to different degrees of difficult.

Someone in all their brilliance once said, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." I'd love to meet the idiot that coined that cliche phrase because I don't believe it holds any merit in my situation. You see...my husband being many miles away from me is tough on our marriage but it's even tougher because we have young children. Solo parenting remains one of my greatest life mountains. Most days I fall asleep and wonder how I'll do it all again the next day...but somehow I do. I get up and do it all again...do you know why? I push forward because I know when I'm in bed wondering how I'll get through, my husband is lying in bed wondering how he'll get through without seeing his family all week. I know he's struggling when he hears me fall apart on the phone every day. I know he wishes he could wrap his arms around me when I declare that I don't think I have anything left to give the kids. I know he automatically wants to fix things for me, but it's not that simple.

When your spouse works on the road, it's easy to fall into what I call the pit of guilt. I'll admit, at least once a week I find myself sitting in this deep dark pit of guilt. I land in this place where I feel completely and utterly sorry for myself. I'm over here falling apart trying to parent four kids on my own with every possible responsibility and he's over there responsible for only himself all week. My husband sleeps in a quiet house, while I live at consistent Metallica level volumes. It's not fair that he gets to eat hot uninterrupted meals and I'm finally making myself supper at 9:30pm. It's not fair that I'm up four times to change wet beds and chase away monsters and he sleeps at least eight hours a night. I long for adult conversation and he spends all day with plenty of adult conversation and interaction.

I feel frustrated that somedays I think he has no idea how broken I feel and how hard I work. I quickly becoming envious of my husband's life. This pity of guilt often comes with a good helping of resentment. I give myself permission to feel this way in the short term, but I don't allow myself to stay in this pit of guilt and resentment for long because I know it isn't healthy or helpful to my situation.

Being a Stay at home Mom is no joke. I have blogged about this before and I will continue to advocate for the simple fact that ALL MOMS WORK. Parenting is exhausting and often times when my husband is on the road I feel as though im isolated on an island with these kids. I bust my butt for 14-15 hours a day just trying to keep these humans alive and run our household. The truth about parenting is that while it's rewarding...its often hard to see the rewards of your hard work. As a Stay at home Mom, much of what I do is behind the scenes. I do alot of things my family doesn't really notice, BUT if I suddenly didn't do all the things...lord only knows how quickly our house would fall apart. I work hard but guess what...so does my husband.

I know that this pit of guilt can cause me to feel resentment and envy, but in reality I know I'm not the only one working their butt off day in and day out. I wake up early to deal with whatever chaos the day will bring...but so does he. I problem solve all day long wondering how I'll fit everything in...but so does he. My husband solves some pretty big construction problems everyday at work, often under tight deadlines. While there are days I feel completely alone in the parenting chaos, I know my husband wishes he was there to share the burden with me. I know there is nowhere he'd rather be than home parenting with me as a team. This is the season of life we are faced with.

When I find myself caught up in this pit of guilt, it becomes easy for me to push aside the sacrifices my husband is making for our family. Over the years, my husband has missed alot of milestones, birthday's and hockey games. My husband isn't able to see our youngest daughter's face light up for her bedtime story every night. He isn't there to help with my daughter's school project or shoot hoops every evening with our son. My husband is giving up so much while he works away to provide for our family.

I'm the one who deals with morning meltdowns from my preschooler and the sick kids. I'm the one who runs kids to appointments and referees the countless arguments. Im the one playing the role of guidance counselor with the grade two girl drama. While it's true that I deal with the heavy things at home alone, I also experience many positives that he misses out on. When I pick up my four year old from preschool, she can't wait to share about her day. When my son comes home from school, and he is beaming with pride about the mark on his spelling test...I get to celebrate in that moment with him. Im here to experience everything...the good, the bad and the ugly.

I may not get to eat hot meals every night and I may not enjoying quiet evenings without endless chores and responsibilities. I know that while there are so many things I feel envious of, I know my husband is equally jealous of the things he misses out on. Right now I'm deep in the trenches of motherhood, I feel pulled in a million different directions at once. I will push forward and try to focus on the fact that we are both making sacrifices...I work tirelessly for our family but so does my husband.