MARRIAGE AFTER BABIES

When you add a third person into your home (aka your first baby) it isn’t always a smooth and painless transition. To be honest in most situations it is rarely smooth or painless when you transition to parenthood. Parents are in this foggy state of mind trying to navigate this new world of diapers, crying, and sleepless nights. Don’t expect the transition from adult to parent to happen overnight or within weeks; its safe to say that for most families the transition can take years. Think about new parents as baby deer learning to walk for the first time, they are uneasy and often fall flat on their face through the learning process. Just like the deer, you too will eventually find your footing and move forward but it takes patience and understanding.

When you become parents everything changes, your social life, finances, identity, relationships and of course we can’t forget the physical changes. Your perspective on life and your overall priorities experience a dramatic shift. You use to do date nights on a spontaneous whim and now any outing your do requires great preparation and preplanning. If I can encourage new parents with one thing, it is to prioritize date nights (even if they are very simple). Time alone requires a bit more effort once you become parents, but even a little time away can refresh, renew and reignite a relationship in small doses. If you don’t have family or friends who are able to lend a hand with the kids I highly suggest checking out Little Einsteins for all your childcare needs. Our family has used Little Einsteins on numerous occasions and I am always impressed with the incredible service we receive from each and every sitter that arrives at our home.

Romance can go one of two ways once you become parents, either you can’t keep your hands off each other or you quickly resemble roommates with a baby. In my personal experience, more often than not couples tend to land in the roommates category versus the frisky newlyweds category. One of the greatest challenges couples will face is discovering how to fall back in love after having kids. Babies undeniably change us, they often reshape us into nearly unrecognizable people (and I’m not just talking about moms hips…but seriously I think my fierce mom of four hips would even make Shakira proud). There are days when I look in the mirror and stare at myself completely puzzled, I wonder where the woman I once was ran away to…and if she is ever coming back. I wonder if she’s sitting on a beach sipping pina colada’s in peace and quiet. I love my children, and most days I love being a mom but I do struggle with a bit of an identity crisis. If I struggle to see the original version of myself, surely my husband must struggle to see the woman he fell in love with fourteen years ago.

As a busy mom of four, I often think I’ll find my former self under a mountain of dirty laundry or perhaps a pile of loud annoying toys. It is semi reassuring to know that I am not alone; my husband has also undergone a massive transition over the years, maybe not in his hips but undeniably his perspective on life and his priorities. It’s no wonder marriage is so tough after kids, you’re basically on a blind date with someone you think you’ve met before but can’t figure out where you know them from. You are constantly in close proximity with this person who is changing and at times may be unrecognizable or foreign to you. Your spouse may suddenly develop a very short temper or they may suddenly hit mood swings you can’t seem to predict. As a spouse you are getting to know your partner all over again as some of the things you initially loved about them may have changed after your became parents. I recently talked to a mom who openly admitted she doesn’t love the person her husband is now that he is a dad. This mom is struggling with falling in love with a man she barely recognizes and frankly isn’t sure she enjoys being around. Unfortunately this isn’t an isolated incident, I have talked to many moms who express a similar concern and I can guarantee many husbands feel the same way about their wives. Most couples know the statistics, after kids marital satisfaction almost always declines. Its pretty rare you find a couple who experienced no major shift in emotional wellbeing after becoming parents.

My husband and I have had some rough patches over the years but we have surpassed the milestone five year mark as married parents (which many families don’t reach). We still have a deep love for each other but our relationship is a constant work in progress. We have weathered some pretty great storms over the years and our relationship has surely been tested but I feel that our marriage is strong. I have compiled a list of things that I have found helpful in maintaining a marriage after adding kids (perhaps some of my tips will prove helpful in your own relationship). 1. ROMANCE: Make an effort to show affection regularly to your spouse and don’t be afraid to be affectionate in front of your kids. Let your kids see you hold hands, kiss and hug regularly in an effort to show them healthy affection in a marriage.

2. SEX: Make time for sex! I know the idea of scheduling sex may not be super romantic but a sexless marriage isn’t a healthy marriage. Be patient with your spouse if they are dealing with intimacy issues after having a baby. It is important to be supportive and understanding if your spouse isn’t ready to have sex. Encourage your partner to talk with their doctor or counselor if they are struggling with intimacy after pregnancy. I think being a listening ear and not putting pressure on your partner are critical when dealing with intimacy issues following pregnancy.

3. GOALS: Set goals and encourage your partner to do the same. Hold each other accountable and check in on your progress regularly.

4. BODY REASSURANCE: After having a baby a woman can be very self-conscious about her body. It may take some time for a woman to feel comfortable in her own skin. I often felt like hiding my body from my husband after I gave birth, I felt the way I looked was embarrassing and ugly. It took a while for me to wake up and realize my husband finds me more beautiful than he ever has. I encourage all husbands to reassure their wives regularly that you still find them attractive and that you only have eyes for her. I love when my husband reminds me that he loves my body and specifically what he finds attractive about me. After delivering four babies, it is easy for me to get caught up in the flaws and forget the incredible things my body accomplished. Simple compliments and lingering stares from my husband can really boost my confidence and mood.

5. GRATITUDE: When you’re overtired and hormonal it’s easy to constantly nag and complain about your partner and focus on their shortcomings. I think it’s incredibly important to regularly recognize your partners strengths. Show regular gratitude for the things your partner does to make your life easier. A simple phrase such as, “I appreciate that you picked up the groceries after work today, which made my day so much easier.” Instead of focusing on the fact that he forgot to put out the garage in the morning before he left.

6. INTENTIONAL TIME TOGETHER AND APART: Allow each other space to spend time on their own outside of your house (guilt free). I should clarify, alone time for a mom isn’t getting groceries alone or going to her yearly Pap test appointment. Alone time

for a mom should be something she finds refills her bucket.

7. TALK: Talk about things other than bills and diaper rash. Connect with your spouse about topics and ideas beyond kids and your bank account. At times you may feel like you have nothing to talk about but be patient with yourselves. I have found some great date conversation starters on Pintrest which have sparked some great debates and conversations with my husband.

8. DIVIDE UP RESPONSIBILITIES: Trust your spouse enough to ask them for help with the household responsibilities. I want to stress that men doing household chores are not doing their wives a favor; they are simply pulling their weight. We need to normalize men doing laundry and helping in the kitchen, men doing household chores are not special or exceptional. If you live in the house, share the responsibilities with your spouse. Openly communicate with your partner about what needs to be done; when we don’t communicate effectively we can begin to silently resent our partner. Your partner may be amazing at a lot of different things but I can guarantee you they can’t read your mind and assuming they should just know what you need is dangerous territory.

9. READ YOUR PARTNER: After being parents for nine years we have become fairly good at reading each other and knowing when our partner has reached their breaking point with our kids. We have become very aware of triggers for each other and we can step in to provide relief or support if we sense a situation is becoming overwhelming for the other person.

10. FIGHT FAIRLY & APOLOGIZE: I have spoken numerous times about our fight safe word, we have a word which allows us to pause a stupid argument that is going nowhere (our word is pineapple). When we talk about fighting fair one of the biggest struggles in our marriage has been the tendency to keep score or stockpile things for a fight. I encourage you to keep the lines of communication open and avoid keeping score in your relationship…after all you are on the same team. No one wins when you keep score in your marriage but both parties will most definitely lose.

11. DEBT: Finances and intimacy are the top two reasons couples end their marriages and I think it’s fair to say working to get out of debt together can really relieve a great deal of stress on your marriage. Once again everything ties back to communication, have regular conversations with your spouse about money and budget. Don’t assume your partner knows if you are stressed about finances, commit to sitting down at least once a month to check in on your financial health.

12. WE-NESS: After some recent struggles with our marriage my husband and I read the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I encourage every couple to read this book and do the activities together, even if you feel your marriage is in a healthy place. Setting yourself up with tools and helpful information is never a bad thing; after all you want to learn these things before it’s an emergency situation. In this book, we learned about the concept of ‘we-ness,’ vs. the concept of ‘me-ness’ and how this can be incorporated into our marriage. I have found over the last few years that I struggle with this concept of equality in our marriage, presently I am home with my kids and my husband is the primary income for our family. While I know the job I am doing as a mom is important, it doesn’t bring in an income to contribute to our household. I am slowly learning that the income my husband brings in is our family income and not my husband’s money. Learning to treat each other as equals and focus on our ‘we-ness vs. me-ness’ may always be a bit of a work in progress but it’s definitely important in a healthy marriage. You give birth to this amazing human being and it’s supposed to be this joyous time filled with cuddles and smiles, but instead you find yourselves constantly fighting with your spouse. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone in the fogginess of parenthood and your marriage isn’t doomed because of a rough patch after having kids. When you bring children into your life your whole world changes forever and it takes time to learn how to navigate the major life changes that come as a result of adding children. Marriage before children may have felt effortless and now you are faced with having to work to make your marriage thrive or even just survive. An American journalist Mignon Mclaughlin once said, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” You and your spouse will undoubtedly change and grow after having children, the trick is to grow together and learn to love again.