Mom burnout & the power of NO

We live in a world where moms are celebrated for their supernatural ability to run on practically no sleep and with minimal time for themselves. Moms are seen as invincible; we pile our hair on top of our head in a bun, throw on some mascara and step into our leggings that scream get things done. We often carry the weight of the financial stress, work stress, and family stress. When we continually push through everything it is seen as some brave badge of honor. Here’s the thing, we can’t push through the stress forever…even in our best leggings. Society treats moms like they are these epic superheroes, we are put on these sky high pedestals because we can do it all. We can pack the lunches, do the laundry, clean the house, taxi everyone around, book the appointments, cook the meals, help with homework, referee the fights, mend the broken hearts, bathe the kids…the list goes on and on. Society thinks moms are unbreakable, somewhere along the way we started acting as if moms are a level above human (and while I do think moms are pretty amazing…we are only human). We can bend and bend for everyone but we will eventually break. Far too often moms will push themselves so hard they don’t even recognize a burnout coming until it is too late.

The term mom burnout simply means, there are more things on your plate draining you then there are things that fill your cup. When you hit a burnout, it isn’t just you who pays the price…everyone around you will feel the ripple effect. Experts would likely conclude that the solution to mom burnout is some form of self-care, I on the other hand disagree with the idea that self-care can fix mom burnout. The only way you can truly remedy mom burnout is to come to terms with the idea of saying NO.

Over the years, I have become quite good at being able to pick up on signs and symptoms that a mom burnout is approaching. I want to share my list with you in hopes that maybe you can watch for some of these cues in your own life and prevent a damaging burnout for yourself. The first thing I notice is my inability to sleep even though I’m utterly exhausted. Another major cue for me is my immune system seems to hit pause and I feel like I am constantly battling a cold or flu. I have always connected the first two signs together…when I struggle to sleep for a while, it is usually followed by an illness. I find when I’m near the point of burnout my temper is raging at everything and my fuse is extremely short if existent at all. I often scream in frustration and find myself needing to step outside for air frequently as panic and emotions take over. Brain fog is common for moms and pregnant women, but when I find myself having more fog then moments of clarity…it is usually a precursor to an oncoming mom burnout. The biggest sign over the years has been autopilot, I get to a point where my days all begin to mush together and I am operating in this place of depression and complacency. I feel as if I’m on this hamster wheel doing the same tasks every single day and I do them without even consciously thinking about them…some days I drive my kid to preschool and I have no idea how I got there. Have you ever been driving down the road and suddenly you snap out of a fog and you have no idea how you got to where you are? There are days when I feel I’m in that autopilot state of mind all day long. For me that zoned out feeling of autopilot is a good sign that I need to pause and check in on my mental health.

Now that we have an idea of what mom burnout is and what to look for lets dig deeper into how we even get to a place of burnout. Have you ever stopped to think about just how many obligations and responsibilities you have as a Mom? I’m not talking about the obvious task of keeping your kid alive…although that’s a pretty major responsibility. Do you ever think about all the little pressures and expectations we take upon ourselves. We juggle the school activities, we volunteer for field trips, we fundraise, we drive our kids to a million different places, we book our kids endless appointments and often neglect our own appointments (but that’s a topic for another blog). The world has somehow programed moms to feel like they just can’t say NO to anything. We have been programmed in such a way that we feel less than or inadequate if we don’t continue to pile on extra things. I have spent a great deal of time over the last two years evaluating each and everything I put onto my mom plate. I am learning that while some options will save me money, my time is also extremely valuable as a busy mom of four young kids. When I start to look at things from a calculation of how much time will this take away from actually being present with my family…I find I can quickly slim down my endless list of extra obligations. The mom burnout comes when we refuse to delegate and say no…there is such a level of power in confidently being able to say no to adding just one more thing to your already overflowing plate of responsibilities.

On one of my podcast episodes in season one I spoke about this mom I met at a walk in clinic. We chatted about the one thing we visually had in common…which was multiple kids. After about five minutes of conversation with this mom, I had received the Sparks notes version of her family life and this woman in return had received a chaotic rundown of my circus. There was one particular thing I quickly picked up on in my brief conversation with this total stranger, I noticed just how many different activities her ten year old daughter was involved in. In our brief conversation, I had heard about her daughter’s achievements in piano, soccer, dance, gymnastics, track, softball and skating. HOLY CRAP BACK THE TRAIN UP FOR JUST ONE MINUTE HERE LADY! I’m sorry but your ten year old daughter does seven extracurricular activities? Perhaps my horrified facial expression triggered her to immediately jump on the defensive. She looked at me and said, “As a Mom it is our responsibility to ensure that our kids experience as many activities as possible. In keeping them busy with a variety of activities we will provide them with a well-rounded upbringing and to ensure that they experience the best possible childhood.”

This woman’s comment really took me for a wild ride of emotions. I immediately thought of my own kids, would my kids really be missing out on the best possible childhood if they don’t play six different instruments or play four different sports? Let’s pause for a quick reality check here, in this brief interaction with this total stranger at the Doctors office I could tell that she was suffering from mom burnout. This woman was in her mid-late 30’s and on any given night she was juggling at least three activities for her kids. Why did she feel the need to put herself through this exhausting mom torture? Someone once upon a time convinced her that it was her responsibility to provide every possible experience for her kids. This mom was racing kids from one place to the next and hitting up the drive thru in between to shovel food into her kids in the small gaps of time they had along the way. This wasn’t a one night a week occurrence; every single day was a repeat of this taxi race from one place to another because she felt it was her obligation. A few days passed after my conversation with this Mom and this whole topic of mom obligation was still weighing heavily on my mind. Why did the comments of this total stranger consume my mind? Was this really about the amount of activities her kids did or was there something deeper bothering me? This was so much more than just endless extracurricular activities. As a Mom how many things do we do simply because we feel we have to? We feel obligated to continually drag our exhausted hot mess bodies into overwhelming and draining situations which can ultimately lead to a serious mom burnout.

Think about school photos for a minute, every fall the schools do the traditional school photos. My son Jaxon comes home with his proofs sheet and they are absolutely horrible. My son looked terrified in these school photos, his smile was awkward and obnoxious. Do you buy the photos because someone told you that you needed to buy them? Everybody knows the school photos are usually awful, the odd child will look semi cute but overall they are typically garbage quality. Somewhere along the way there was this shadow cast over Moms which obligated us to buy these horrible photos even if your kid has a gigantic boogie hanging from their nose and the remnants of their chocolate pudding on their chin.

Prior to the pandemic my kids elementary school did a different fundraiser every second week (that is not even a slight exaggeration). We were constantly receiving information on new fundraisers that we are supposed to be involved with in some effort to show we are committed to our school. I’m going to be honest, I am not going to buy or sell everything that my kids are supposed to sell. I don’t care if that makes me a bad mom according to the counsel, but seriously I’d go broke if I purchased every gadget or treat my kids are asked to sell. At the rate that the fundraisers get shipped home, it wouldn’t take long before the school would need to do a fundraiser to raise money for me to participate in fundraisers.

Don’t let the world trick you into thinking you are some supernatural creature that can endure anything and everything life throws at you. Mama you can continue to carry a heavy load day in and day out, but eventually that load will crush you and lead to a major burnout. We need to normalize saying NO and eventually the world may clue in that moms can’t do it all and they shouldn’t be expected to try. You are enough…even if you choose to say no to that volunteer opportunity or you choose to buy cupcakes for your kids birthday party instead of making them from scratch. Hear this loud and clear moms, your to-do list of obligations and responsibilities does not define you as a mom…you are defined only by the way you love your kids. Let’s love our kids hard and teach them the important lessons they need to be good humans. I encourage you to spend some time evaluating your mom plate, keep an eye on the ratio of life sucking obligations versus things that you find fulfilling. Don't forget that cliche quote that really hammers this point home..."You can do anything…but not everything."