It's Just A Phase

It’s just a phase. Do you know how many times those four words have been spoken to me over the last 110 months of my motherhood journey? When you are deep in the trenches of your battle there is nothing more aggravating than someone telling you, “Just wait…one day you’ll miss this stage.” A mom who is barely hanging onto sanity doesn’t find even an ounce of comfort in a veteran mom speaking this condescending phrase. While I understand the words may be spoken with the intention to encourage moms…it really does the opposite.

You may be sitting there wondering where my bitter attitude towards this cliché motherhood advice comes from. In order to discover the root of my frustration we should probably back this conversation up a wee bit. When we potty trained/potty learned our son Jaxon things went relatively smooth. I don’t remember having any major issues or delays with daytime or nighttime accidents. I guess you could say our son was pretty textbook…we tried a few methods but when he was ready he just decided to use the potty. Looking back, I think in total the potty training process with my son was MAYBE a month tops. When my oldest daughter Scarlett hit twenty months she began showing interest in the potty, I naively assumed it would be the same smooth and painless process as it had been with our first child (boy was I wrong). I received so many mixed messages about potty training, some people will tell you boys are easier to potty train than girls and some people are quick to tell you girls catch on quicker than boys. I’m here to tell you that this is a lie, success with the potty has nothing to do with gender. Every child is different and I think it’s time we start throwing away the notion that every child can be cast into this mold when it comes to learning how to use the bathroom. I think the overload of information I received definitely contributed to my initial frustration. From the time we started to struggle potty training our daughter, I received advice miles high and it became a fog of people telling me what I was doing wrong. I couldn’t stand it when people would say, “It’s just a phase, you will look back and miss this one day.”

My daughter will be eight in the fall and the struggle is still very real, I can honestly tell you I won’t miss this part of parenthood. Anyone that thinks I will miss the last 72 months has never dealt with wet beds every night for months. They have never cried sorted through piles of urine soaked clothing because they feel so defeated. The last 72 months have been more than a phase, and every time someone tries to convince me otherwise it can really get under my skin. When you are in the trenches of motherhood and things are extremely difficult, this cliche phrase can make moms feel like they aren’t allowed to be frustrated or annoyed by the current challenges they are facing. I obviously know my daughter won’t go to university peeing her pants but in the here and now, this is the obstacle filled mountain we are facing. Today I give myself permission to experience frustration and defeat. I don’t put a smile on my face and pretend I’m okay sinply because a more experienced mom told me “It’s just a phase, you will look back and miss this one day.”

In my lowest points we were finding soaked clothing she had hidden (which smells great after a week…in case you were wondering). If you have a child who hides their accidents for long periods of time, you will likely encounter yeast infections and serious rashes…which only added to the frustration and medical issues. We were cleaning our carpets once a month; it felt like we were living in an endless potty training nightmare. My patience was thin but my husband’s patience was even thinner with the whole situation. We were constantly cleaning up dirty clothes, scrubbing floors and throwing out things that couldn’t be washed. I can honestly say, that as I was throwing out expensive bean bags that my daughter urinated on...I found zero comfort in the phrase, “Don’t worry it’s just a phase.” When you’re in a tough period of motherhood and an outsider tells you that you should just focus on the fact that it’s a phase…you feel like they are telling you that your emotions aren’t justified because this won’t last forever. When you are receiving unsolicited advice from every person you know and even the occasional stranger it can be exhausting. I felt like I was letting my child down and often time I felt like I was the problem. I should add that when you feel mom guilt, it pushes you further away from the carefree 'it's just a phase place' everyone says you should land. I constantly felt put down by other moms, who were either quick to tell me I was doing it wrong or “It’s just a phase, you will look back and miss this one day."

My situation got more and more complicated as we added the third and fourth child to the mix. As time passed and our younger two children showed readiness signs, I reluctantly started potty learning with them as well. If you want to see the picture of an exhausted mom, a mom who is potty training three girls of different ages would definitely qualify. I wanted to phone all of the moms who insisted I should enjoy this moment because it was just a phase. I wanted to clarify just how long this so-called phase would last, as the years rolled on I began to feel more and more defeated. While my younger two daughters are now both having great bathroom success, my oldest daughter still struggles. We have been through many specialist appointments, physiotherapy appointments and now medications. I know my daughter is tired with this journey that feels endless, I know that her mental health is seriously impacted when she sees the success her younger sisters have had with the bathroom. For me it’s not just about the wet stinky laundry or the constant carpet cleaning, it's about the fact that my daughter is struggling and I can't fix things for her. When you feel that weight on you as a mom, the least helpful thing you can hear is, “It’s just a phase, you will look back and miss this one day."

The next time you are face to face with a mom who is struggling, instead of trying to play it off as sinply a phase, maybe try saying, “I’m so sorry you are going through that right now, I’m sure that’s very difficult and frustrating. Is there anything I can do to help?" Chances are there is absolutely nothing you can do to help, but by carefully selecting the words you use in the moment you can prevent a vulnerable mom from feeling like her feelings aren’t valid or important. Remember what may seem like a phase to you... can often seem like a lifetime to others. Be kind!