My Personal Experience As A Single Mother

I want to start by saying that all parenting is hard. All of it. No matter what your relationship status, how many kids you have, if you work outside the home or not – it’s all hard. It’s so rewarding, and there is so much love, but it’s okay to admit that it’s hard! This article is a little bit about my personal experience as a Single Mother. When I first accepted that my marriage was over and I was about to become a single mother of two, I wasn’t totally sure how I should be feeling. I did instantly feel a sense of failure and shame of having a marriage that was ending – even though it was absolutely what needed to happen. I felt a sense of relief that I was going to be able to step out of a broken marriage and begin the journey of rediscovering myself. I felt scared for how divorce would impact my children – yet also happy that they wouldn’t have to grow up to see how my previous relationship was, and think that was what love was supposed to look like. There are so many unknowns that come with divorce, and as someone that doesn’t like unknowns, that was one of the hardest parts for me. I am a natural planner, a planner by profession, and I have an Anxiety Disorder. Not having control over the outcome of a situation can be incredibly difficult for me. My children were 3 and 18 months when my ex-husband and I separated. It was a difficult age range because one knew something was changing but didn’t understand what I was telling him, and one knew something was changing but I couldn’t really talk to her at all. I was running a home daycare at the time, and truthfully, this was such a saving grace for me because I was able to be home and present for the kids all day, every day, while we created our new normal in our new (to us) home. I was very grateful for the opportunity to be able to be home with them, because I think that this really helped their transition with everything. The first year was the hardest. There’s so much emotion, so many changes, and so many adjustments. Getting through that first weekend sleepover where they were at their Dad’s and not home with me was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent. I used to get frustrated when (well meaning) people would say “How amazing you get a break every weekend, I’d love to have that!”. It wasn’t amazing. Having to send your kiddos out the door when all you want to do is spend the weekend cuddled up on the couch with them, or out doing activities, is heart-wrenching. It’s one thing when you book a babysitter and plan a night away, or a vacation away, but when you don’t have a choice and still have to send them out the door, it’s so hard. The best advice that I can give anyone going through single parenting, is to find the right people for your circle that you can lean on. Whether it’s a friend, a relative, a co-worker – one of them or ten of them – make sure you have someone that you can talk to. There’s a lot of time when you’re a single parent where you’re alone. The time I found tough was when the kids went to bed super early and I had the whole night ahead of me. Don’t get me wrong, there were nights when I savored this time to decompress and have “Me Time” or get work done, but there were a lot of nights when loneliness crept in. You doubt every choice you make as a Mom and the Mom guilt sets in. You think of your never ending to do list. You wonder if you’ll be a single parent forever. You wonder if there’s something wrong with you. Those nights when I was able to text friends, or have a couple people over to sit on the deck and vent it out, were so helpful. You learn a lot about your friendships when you become a single parent. There are friends who will listen, reach out to check on you or see if you need anything, ask if you need a babysitter, deliver something to your doorstep to brighten your day, and that will empathize with you. Unfortunately, there is also the flip side where there are friends that fade away because they don’t understand your lack of free time. They unload without asking how you’re doing, or try to one up your problems with theirs. It’s hard when friendships you thought were solid dissolve, but I’m a big believer that the people meant to be in your life to stay, will be. Sometimes the friendships that grow and deepen, and the ones that fade away, will surprise you. I also can’t advocate enough for counselling. The counselling that I did after my divorce was such a game changer. I didn’t just work through things from the point of meeting my ex-husband onward, we started from my day one earliest childhood memory and then onward. It was so eye opening to see how things from childhood impacted the choices made in relationships throughout my entire life. When I finished counselling (well, finished for a time, I do go on and off still as needed) I felt such a renewed hope of understanding myself and the choices of my past, and vowing to give myself better for the future. I was confident that I would rather be single and happy than ever make the wrong relationship choices again. I owed it to myself and to my kids. I don’t believe in being someone else’s half, I believe in being two whole individuals who wake up and choose each other every single day. Being needed and being chosen are two very different things, and it took a lot of experience to learn that. We had almost four years together as a trio before my now fiancé came into our lives. That four years is something I will always be so proud of. I don’t have family in Saskatchewan, so there was a lot of time spent with just the kids and I going on adventures. Sometimes adventures around Saskatoon, sometimes trips to Alberta to see my family, and sometimes at home adventures making forts and having movie nights. I’ll never forget our daily dance parties in the kitchen to “Dance out our day” after work & school, and our nightly dinner conversations about the best and worst parts of our day. They taught me so much about life and what really matters, and seeing the people that they have grown into and continue to grow into fills me with so much pride. This is definitely just a brief little glimpse into that four years. As any single parent can tell you - you can write a whole book about the experiences you have - but I wanted to share some of my experience for any single parents out there that may be feeling alone. My time as a single parent forever changed me. Now that I have my fiancé and another baby in our family, sometimes it feels like a life time ago that I was doing this on my own - but it will be a part of me always. Single parents – we see you – and you’re doing great! Even on the days you think you’ve totally failed, your kids see and feel your love, and that’s the most important thing ever.

Jennifer Draper, TCP, ECE

Owner & Lead Event Planner

Founder, Little Wonders Family Program