Shower Tears

I sat on the shower floor and tears began to freely flow. I tried to pull it together but it was no use, the more I tried to resist my emotions the harder I began to cry. In this moment every part of my body felt heavy, it was as if the heaviness of my body was preventing me from peeling myself off the shower floor. Suddenly my vision was foggy from a combination of the shower water and my endless ugly tears. Through my tears, I found myself bracing against the wall, my hands held my head (which at this point is absolutely pounding). You know the pain you get in your sinuses when you have been crying hard? This head pain can only really be described as a pain behind your eyes. One of the side effects of my crying fits is always this lasting pain into the next day. It lingers... It reminds me of my emotional state even after I've long calmed myself down. How did I get here? What could possibly have happened that brought me to my absolute breaking point? Let's rewind a bit and I'll unpack the train wreck that led up to my tears.

It was a cool rainy Friday, and I had forced myself to get up early for a short run before the chaos of my day started. It took a bit of extra effort to force myself out of the comfort of my king sized slice of heaven but I got up. I had stayed up far too late catching up on laundry and some writing projects. In fact, it was late enough that I woke up drool covered at 2:00AM awkwardly positioned in my living room chair surrounded by piles of laundry. The fresh air from my run always wakes me up and clears my head, I typically find it a great way to start my day... except for today. I forgot to charge my headphones, tripped twice and soaked my feet in a puddle that I somehow couldn't dodge. It definitely wasn't my best morning cardio experience.

I returned from my disaster run only to realize I forgot we had run out of milk the day before. I had written it on my to-do list the day before but somehow it totally slipped my mind. So we started the day off with no milk for coffee or cereal. Any Mom who has dealt with a breakfast catastrophe knows it usually triggers additional chaos.

Forty-five minutes before we need to head out the door my son informs me he has no clean pants. I lost my cool, the night before I had asked all four of my kids to bring out their laundry so I could attempt to catch up on all of their laundry before the weekend. My goal each week is to have the laundry and house cleaning caught up by Friday evening when my husband comes home after a week away working on the road. I do this not because I feel obligated to have our house spotless, but I simply like to focus on family time when he's only home for a couple of days. I was so aggravated that my son suddenly had no clean clothes that I lost my cool. He stormed off to his bedroom and slammed his door.

While I tried to put out the fire with my son, my sassy three year old had decided to finger paint my entire table with yogurt. After the finger painting episode she decided she would attempt to clean herself up. In an effort to clean her hands, she dragged yogurt across my couch, carpet and walls. When she got to the bathroom she decided it wasn't enough to just clean her hands, she decided she needed to wash her feet in the sink. Our daughter missed the memo that a little soap goes a long way and she dumped half a bottle of body wash in the bathroom sink. By the time I realized the chaos she had created upstairs, water was overflowing down the sides of the vanity. I lost my cool...

My sassy seven year old came out filled with attitude after a rough night. For the second night in a row she woke up after wetting her bed. I changed her sheets as quickly as I could but I could tell by her early morning demeanor that she was exhausted. Absolutely everything was setting her off into rage, particularly if one of her siblings looked at her for more than two seconds. She threw a fit because she was angry that she struggles with bed wetting. She's embarrassed and frustrated that her younger sisters are dry most nights and yet she struggles to ever stay dry. I attempt to counsel her out of her frustration even though I know it's pointless. I try to redirect her energy to getting ready for school, "Can I help you brush your hair?" Before I became a mom, I didn't realize a hair brush could also be a torture device (or so my seven year old dramatically thinks it is). She grunts and yells as I gently try to work through her knotted and matted hair. After she told me somehow her messy hair was my fault...I lost my cool.

My nearly five year old had been asked to get dressed for school at least seven times. I repeatedly asked her nicely to put down her toys and focus on getting ready for school. I got busy packing lunches and cleaning up breakfast dishes, and to be honest my defiant daughter in her pajamas slipped my mind. Suddenly I called all the kids to get their shoes on and out of the bedroom stumbled my daughter who was still in her brightly colored onesie pajamas. I suddenly lost my cool again and she screamed at me that I was the worst mom in the world.

We finally get everyone out the door, my son rode his bike to school and I piled the girls into the SUV. My youngest daughter used to be such a joy to take places, now she throws a massive tantrum every time she needs to ride in her carseat. As I open the door to the SUV, I said a quick prayer hoping she would willingly hop into her seat. I quickly realized she had other plans, she sat in the 3rd row and refused to sit in her car seat. Apparently I am the meanest mom ever for making her use a "baby seat." After wrestling with my three year old and bribing her with donuts (yes Karen...i know bribing my toddler isn't ideal but it's been a morning). I was finally off to drive the girls to school, as I pulled up to the school the skies opened up and it started pouring hard. As my girls are about to get out of the vehicle, I discovered my oldest daughter forgot her backpack in the garage. I quickly headed home again to grab my daughter's bag. After I returned with the bag, I received no expression of gratitude or superhero status for my extra unnecessary efforts. I let my girls out and saw my son, "Mom can you go grab my coat?" Annoyed and exhausted from the chaotic morning I reluctantly agreed.

I quickly raced home for the second time and grabbed his raincoat from our closet. I pulled up to the school carrying a raincoat and a three year old I made a mad dash for the back of the school through the mud where I knew my son would be. Just then the bell rings and I'm in a jungle stampede of elementary school children. My son had decided he wouldn't wait for me to bring his coat, he would take off inside. I lost my cool, I was completely and utterly done.

I left the school holding back tears, I text my husband in that moment and told him " I don't want to be a mom anymore. I want to walk away, I can't do this anymore alone." My entire week had been replicated chaos of today, in fact the last nine months have been replicated chaos of this day. I was running on empty and I felt like I would explode at any given moment. Parenting four kids is challenging enough, but solo parenting four kids while your husband works away from home...that's next level. I had been operating at this constant level of chaos and high emotion all week without any relief or respite. I walked in the door, put on an episode of Paw Patrol and headed to take a shower.

As soon as the water hit my face it happened, every feeling of loneliness, anger, frustration, defeat and sadness rushed from my heart to my tear ducts in a matter of moments. There is something powerful about water when you're emotional, perhaps it's the idea of a fresh start or washing away my day. I cried loudly and I cried for a long time, I allowed myself in that moment to be angry, sad and overwhelmed. I didn't need someone to tell me tomorrow will be a better day, I didn't need someone to tell me other people have it worse off. At this moment all I needed was to cry. I got out of the shower and I was able to move on with my day, was I jumping for joy about my week? Absolutely not!! This wasn't miracle water that suddenly erased my terrible week. The shower cry simply allowed me to lay every raw emotion out at once...it validated what I had been feeling all week.

I want every mom reading this to know that it's okay to cry. As moms we will have good days, bad days and ugly days. I'm going to let you in on a little secret, the motto for motherhood IS NOT GOOD VIBES ONLY (shocker I know). If you take anything away from reading this, I want you to know tears make us human... emotions mean we are still alive. Sometimes we all just need an ugly shower cry to get through our week and that doesn't make you less of a mom...it makes you human.