You Are More Than Just A Mom

I spend a great deal of time exploring the messy truths of motherhood in my writing. I think I'm drawn to exposing the real and raw side of motherhood because I have made it my goal to normalize the chaos of motherhood. One thing I've learned over the years is that at some point... all moms get lost. I'm not talking about trying to help your husband navigate on a road trip. I'm talking about losing sense of who you really are. There seems to be this unwritten ridiculous rule that after you leave the hospital with your fresh newborn, you must turn in your shiny womanhood badge for a dirty motherhood badge. I imagine the motherhood badge has a picture of a mom in dirty leggings, an oversized crew neck, sporting a messy bun and obviously holding a caffeinated beverage. This garbage notion that you abandon everything when you become a Mom is awful and undeniably toxic. I have had numerous conversations with Moms who feel they lost their sense of self identity outside of motherhood. Somewhere along this journey towards parenthood, we buried or misplaced the person we were before stepping into our new role. Don't get me wrong, motherhood turns you inside out and upside-down and it would be naive to think it wouldn't change you in some capacity but I think we all underestimate the degree of this transformation. I think the issue truly begins when we don't identify as anything other than a Mom. If I was to ask you to describe yourself without including anything relating to your children would you struggle to describe yourself? Who are you outside of motherhood? Yes I know motherhood is an important part of your life, but I'm curious who you are beyond the diapers and dirty laundry. What makes you tick and ignites your passion? Many moms like myself, had interests, hobbies and passions before having kids. My youngest is now a preschooler, and I am just now finding myself searching for the woman I once was. Where is my identity? I know I left it around here somewhere. Perhaps I'll find it under Mt. Stink (as I have affectionately named my laundry piles which often resemble a mountain range). Who was I before giving birth? Would 20 year old Sabrina even recognize 32 year old Sabrina? I'd say it's highly unlikely, that if 20 year old me and 30 year old me crossed paths that either would recognize the other. This got me thinking, why has my pre-mom identity just vanished? Perhaps the weight of owning a business for many years just didn't leave room in my brain for my pre-mom self. My husband's line of work has led to him working away from home regularly, and I'm sure that has really eaten up brain space. Life stress not only takes a toll on our mental health, but also our physical appearance. My nine year old told me he needed a coffee the other day, and I jokingly replied that the day he NEEDS coffee is the day I NEED to consider Botox for my wrinkles. As much as I joke about my wrinkles and signs of aging...I have indeed felt that my stress and life experience have truly led to me feeling a bit weathered. To be honest, I find it hard to even remember my life before kids. Sure I remember bits and pieces of my pre-parenthood life, but to be honest it's a bit of a blur. I'll be real with you, I don't love being a Mom everyday.... Are you shocked? I'm sure someone reading this is sitting there totally appalled by my confession. You're sitting there thinking, "How could you possibly say you don't love being a Mom everyday? Sabrina being a Mom is such a gift and it's the most amazing job ." I won't argue that motherhood is a gift, I don't for a minute downplay the blessing it is to have been given little humans to raise. But here's the thing, there are seasons of motherhood that bring me an abundance of joy and there are seasons that I CAN'T STAND. I'm sorry to every mom reading this that was given the impression that you had to love every moment of motherhood. Today I'm giving you a hall pass, I'm granting you permission to not love every day of motherhood. People don't hesitate to shout from the mountain tops that being a mom is the hardest job there is, but heaven forbid you don't love every day of it. Lets just pretend Motherhood was a job posting, and you were asked after nine years in the position if there were aspects of the job that you despised. I think it's a safe bet that your honest review of your position would outline numerous items that you didn't enjoy. My life before kids obviously involved many more carefree date nights with my husband. I exercised when I felt like it, I didn't coordinate my running schedule around hockey and gymnastics. I faithfully had a hair appointment every three months, and now I think I'm lucky if I visit my hairdresser once a year. As hard as we try to cling to the life we once had, parenthood undoubtedly changes everything. But is change really so bad? Was dropping my weekly wing nights with friends worth it? Becoming a parent has definitely changed my life, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My passions have changed and my habits have adapted as I've grown into my role as a mother. I have discovered a whole new side of myself, a version of myself that I didn't even know existed prior to becoming a Mom. While I'm still over here trying to navigate who I am outside of motherhood, I've decided that its going to be a journey. I'm not expecting to just suddenly stumble upon this idea of who I am. I think simply reclaiming small parts of my identity along the way will go a long way in reminding myself that well motherhood is a huge part of my identity...it isn't the whole picture.