The Jealousy of Motherhood

Perhaps you're a stay at home mom who lives in her leggings and rocks the highest messy bun around. Maybe today you yelled a bit to much and you're feeling a heavy weight on your shoulders. You think back on your day and shake your head, your patience was beyond thin and you overreacted in the heat of the moment. You sit there beating yourself up because you feel like you're failing at motherhood. You tell yourself that someone else would be much better suited to raise these kids. After letting out an exhausted sigh you feel empty, you feel as if you have nothing left to give. These kids have truly sucked the life out of you today and you're not sure how you're going to make it through the rest of the day. You feel guilty that your constantly checking your phone as you countdown to bedtime. You're tired but you secretly wish you had a part time job that fulfilled you, you wish you could somehow find a sense of purpose that you just aren't finding in motherhood.

Perhaps you're the mom who works from home, your kids are craving your attention but you have important deadlines to meet. You have tried to carve out time for the kids throughout the day but your meetings ran long. You suddenly realize your kids have been binging Netflix for the last four hours. During the binge watching they consumed a weeks worth of fruit snacks and an entire box of granola bars. Every weekend you try to fit in as much family time as possible, you promise yourself that next week will be different...but it never is. You feel guilty that you can't do all the summer things your friends are doing with their kids because you're workload is just too heavy. You secretly wish you had daycare for your kids everyday so you could feel more productive and actually get consistent work done.

Perhaps you're the mom who consistently drops her kids off at daycare Monday through Friday. You head to your professional job downtown that you absolutely love. You are climbing the ladder and your hard work and sacrifice have led to corporate success. While you absolutely love your career, you are constantly plagued by the guilt that your job has come before your kids numerous times. You have lost track of how many times you have considered throwing it all away. Your kids have hit so many milestones at daycare instead of at home with you. You missed his first steps and she even said her first words at daycare. You think back to that work conference last year and how guilty you felt that you were out of town during his first tournament. You secretly wish you could work from home so you were more present for your family, you wish you could soak in more of the childhood milestones.

Perhaps you're the mom who is expecting another child. You had a very specific plan for your family, you were only going to have two children. This unexpected pregnancy has turned your life upsidedown in an instant. You're in total disbelief, you wonder how this could have happened. You took extra precautions and still here you sit in front of this ultrasound screen and it's undeniable. You wonder how you will possibly afford another child, how will you tell your husband the news. The simple fact that you sold and donated all your baby gear causes tears to flood your eyes. You have this relentless guilt about the way you feel towards this unborn child. This wasn't supposed to happen to me, I had a very specific life plan! You secretly wish this pregnancy didn't happen, you wish your life had gone according to your plans.

Perhaps you're the mom who has been trying for a second child for many years. You conceived so easily the first time but now infertility has crept into your vocabulary. Your calendar is filled with appointments and endless reminder about charting and ovulation. Fertility medications have become a draining financial stress and you feel ready to just throw in the towel. You long for another child and you feel as if you are failing as a mom because you can't provide a sibling for your daughter. You rotate between blaming yourself and your husband which has caused stress on your marriage. It seems as if everyone you know is expecting a child and you wonder if it will ever be your turn again. You frequently get angry when you see people who weren't trying to conceive suddenly announce a pregnancy. It's almost as if you find yourself yelling out, "IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!!" You secretly wish you could trade lives with a mom who has no fertility struggles.

Perhaps you're a divorced mom who shares custody of your children with your narcissist ex-husband. It feels like every day you are navigating another battle with no end in sight. You are exhausted from fighting for consistency and structure for your kids. A heavy sense of loneliness hits you when they leave for a week, suddenly there is this odd silence that leaves you feeling confused. You feel guilty for loving the quiet after a week of pure frustration. It seemed as if it took the full week to settle into your house rules, just in time to pack up and send them back to their dad's house. You secretly wish things were different, you wish you had your kids full time, you wish you didn't miss 50% of their lives.

Perhaps you are living what some would call a "white picket fence life." You are married to your children's father and life is very crazy but consistent. You constantly feel exhausted because you are in mother mode 24/7 and you never get a break. You look at yourself in the mirror and it appears that you have aged significantly due to the stress and chaos of parenthood. You are a chef, taxi, counselor, housekeeper, teacher and referee all day everyday. You secretly wonder what it would be like to only have your children half time. You long for a few peaceful nights of respite.

I think as moms we place guilt on ourselves when we feel jealous of another mom's situation. We try to tell ourselves that we should just be content with where we are. Here's the thing, human nature isn't content...we are always wanting something different or better than our present circumstance. It would be a fair assumption to say that every mom at some point wishes things were different. Motherhood jealousy comes in so many different forms: maybe it's your family size, maybe it's finances, maybe it's career, maybe its health, maybe it's relationship status. There is enough guilt in motherhood, we need to stop shaming ourselves for being jealous of other moms. It's ok to wish your life was different, it's ok to work towards life goals but the important thing is that we don't live constantly in that place of discontentment. We need to seek out sparks of joy in our present circumstance, I'm not saying we have to love everyday...Lord knows we won't. Im simply encouraging you to find points of joy and gratitude everyday to allow yourself a little peace in your present. Life is too short for Mom guilt!