The Apologetic Gender Reveal

Gender reveals and elaborate announcements have officially taken over the parenting world. Don't get me wrong, I love a good party...but some of these gender reveal parties have gotten a bit out of control. In April of 2021, people in New Hampshire reported a massive explosion that violently shook their houses. After the police investigated the situation, they discovered a man had set off 80 pounds of explosives in an elaborate gender reveal stunt. Sadly there have even been incidents of fatalities associated with these over the top gender reveals. Reading the stories of these insane gender reveals sent my head spinning about the struggle parents face when deciding whether to find out their babies gender in advance or wait to be surprised in the delivery room. I'll never forget the day I found out I was having a little boy. It was a memorable day...simply because it didn't go according to our plan. My husband Brandon and I were both on board with waiting to find out the gender of our first child. We settled at the idea that there are very few surprises in life...and this could be the greatest surprise of our lives. I had booked an appointment for a 3D ultrasound and Brandon was working out of town so my best friend Jolene tagged along (being the supportive friend she always is). I went into that appointment so sure I could stay strong and keep the babies gender a surprise. The ultrasound technician barely got in the room before I burst out that I needed to know the babies gender. Jolene was totally caught off guard by my sudden change of plans. She looked at me and asked me if I was sure...and without a doubt I needed to know.

I was immediately caught up in the emotions of seeing images of our beautiful rainbow baby, the perfect little boy I had prayed for. I remember thinking I could have sat there watching his heart beat for hours. Anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss can relate to the overwhelming sense of peace that comes from hearing and seeing that teeny tiny heart beating. In those moments it almost didn't feel real, it felt as if I was caught in some dream. I remember walking out of that office absolutely beaming, I was floating on cloud nine. Suddenly Jolene who had watched this whole appointment unfold pulled me back to reality…"So how are you going to tell Brandon…?" I'm sure my face to an unsuspecting stranger would have been priceless. I suddenly remembered that I would have to face the music with my husband. I would have to apologetically reveal our babies gender. I was the one who suggested waiting to find out and he was impartial. How on earth would I be able to admit that I dropped the ball? I quickly realized my apology needed to be cushioned by a case of cold beer in the fridge. Originally I thought I'll wait until he gets home at the end of the week to explain myself...but in all honesty I needed to tell him right now. I needed to tell my husband that he was going to have a son. I didn't even make it home from the liquor store before I dialed his number. I didn't even say hello, I started our conversation with, "I'm really sorry...but I bought you a case of your favorite beer." I didn't have to say another word, he knew what words would come next. At first, he didn't want me to tell him the gender but he eventually caved in and was of course over the moon excited at the news. Any anger of frustration he had towards my hormonally charged decision was in an instant buried by the very idea that we were going to have a little boy. When you become pregnant after a loss, you are very on edge and oftentimes it doesn't seem real. You try not to celebrate too much or get your hopes up for fear of going through another devastating loss. I think in a way it's a defense mechanism created by our mind to try to shelter us from getting hurt. The first moment that pregnancy felt real was when I found out the gender. We had lost our first baby at 8 weeks, meaning we didn't progress to an anatomy ultrasound. Reaching this stage was not only a milestone, but we finally felt joy about this pregnancy. In that moment, I had an overwhelming sense of peace.

I have replayed that day over and over in my head to try and figure out why I cracked under pressure. Why couldn't I resist the urge to find out the gender of our first baby? I can joke about how hormonal I was during the second trimester or that perhaps I had one too many Salted Caramel Starbucks frappuccinos during my pregnancy. I have concluded that ultimately I needed that moment of connection with my baby to feel peace. I needed to shop and anticipate this little boy. Could I have waited until the delivery room to find out? Yes, I could have put on my big girl panties and held out for the full nine months but I think I needed something real to hold onto through the remaining months of pregnancy... something to connect me to this baby before I could feel the kicks or punches.

Our son Jaxon Barry Thomas arrived promptly the morning of his due date April 24th 2012. When I held this beautiful little boy for the first time, I wasn't sitting there disappointed that I didn't experience the surprise reveal in the delivery room. I sat in that hospital bed soaking up every little bit of this moment. If I'm being totally honest, I was too caught up in the logistics of how this massive 98 percentile head evacuated my body. If I can give you one piece of advice, don't beat yourself up if you can't wait for the surprise. Let's face it...all that truly matters is the safe arrival of that little one.