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In a recent Instagram post, I began to scratch the surface on my new self declared job title. I don't know why, but the title stay-at-home mom has bothered me a great deal in the last few months. If you love the title, I am not here to judge you in any way....but it's just not for me anymore. It's almost as if hearing the words stay-at-home-mom makes me cringe in a similar way that the word moist does. I think everyone has a list of a few select words they absolutely can’t stand, as a result of the pandemic many people can’t stand the words: pivot, adapt, unprecedented, isolation, new normal and social distancing. Whatever your trigger words may be, I’m sure you can relate to the way your body reacts when you hear them. I want you to channel that feeling and you have landed at approximately how the words stay-at-home-mom make me feel.
I have tried to ask myself why the job title bothers me so much, and I know the explanation goes much deeper than a simple one sentence explanation. I’m starting to think that somewhere deep down in my soul, a part of me feels the job title undervalues the job expectations. The ridiculous expectations placed on women who choose to stay home with their children can be daunting. The world thinks since you aren’t working outside the home, you will obviously be able to accomplish the following:
Look drop dead gorgeous- obviously you have time to fit in daily workouts if you aren’t going to the office
Kids will be academic rock stars- obviously you will spend extra time working on their academics if you aren’t going to the office
Volunteer queen- obviously you will go on every field trip and sit on every committee if you aren’t going to the office
HGTV home-obviously your home will be constantly immaculate if you aren’t going to the office
Your house will smell like a bakery- obviously you will have fresh baking every day if you aren’t going to the office
Social butterfly- obviously you will have time for daily play dates if you aren’t going to the office
Sex queen- obviously you won’t ever be too tired to get busy with your husband if you aren’t going to the office
Errand master-obviously your husband won’t need to run any errands if you aren't going to the office
Until recent years, you didn’t have to look very hard to find an internet meme or cartoon of what the world figured stay-at-home-moms looked like. You would often see a picture of a woman sitting on her couch in her slippers watching soap operas at two in the afternoon. This woman looked happy watching TV stuffing her face with bonbons. I can honestly say in the time I've been home with my children, I have spent a whopping zero minutes watching afternoon soap operas and I’m not even entirely sure what a bonbon is. Listening to my nearly eight year old daughter talk about her playground interactions is more than enough drama for this mama...I definitely don’t need to fill my time with afternoon soap operas. Most days I am lucky if I stop long enough to eat anything...let alone stuffing my face with bonbons (could someone please let me know what those are).
My days are filled from start to finish with cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands and driving my kids around from one place to the next. There are days when I triple my step count goals because I just don’t stop moving until bedtime. There are evenings when I sit down, and I suddenly realize that I haven't seen another adult in-person all day. The pregnancy books don’t really prepare you for the level of loneliness that comes with motherhood. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very rarely left alone long enough to have a bowel movement...but many of my days are very lonely in terms of adult interaction and connection. My FedEx delivery man has made the mistake of asking how my day is going a few times, and fifteen minutes later he is still stuck in conversation with me. What can I say, adult conversation is very valuable to me and when the opportunity presents itself...I jump at the opportunity to talk to someone who won’t make fart jokes when I try to talk about politics.
As a stay-at-home-mom your job never ends, you don't get to dive into an adult world during the day and clock out at five. Your world is filled with entertaining children, cleaning up after those children, fetching endless snacks, making meals they won't eat, doing piles of laundry, and then doing this on repeat. When you stay home with your children, it is extremely challenging not to feel like you are stuck on a hamster wheel day in and day out. There are people who would be quick to comment that moms who work outside the home also do all these tasks. I’m not in any way downplaying the struggle that is balancing a work life outside the home and running a household, that is truly a whole other ballgame. I am focused on the challenges that face moms who get up everyday and operate as if they are living their own version of the movie Groundhog Day.
The term stay-at-home-mom seems to imply you are just a mom that stays home. I think the job title should truly reflect the extreme expectations and daily challenges moms face. In trying to find a more appropriate job title for the work I perform every day, I came across some really great ideas:
Baby Wrangler
Tiny Human’s Snack Dispenser
Tiny Human Personal Assistant
Home Executive
Household Coordinator
Ph.D in Patience
Tantrum Manager
Domestic Goddess
Human Raising Technician
After some deep contemplation, I finally landed on the job title domestic engineer and I think it will be very appropriate. After all, my mom always says anyone with the word engineer on their business card likely gets paid really well (so I'll just be over here waiting for my pay raise). All moms will attest to the fact that at some point they have had the awkward conversation with someone who asks, “Are you JUST a stay-at-home-mom or do you have a job?” I think those social interactions might go slightly different if moms had the confidence to look them in the eye and say, “Oh goodness, I’m so much more than JUST a stay-at-home-mom, I’m actually a Domestic Engineer.” It's all well and good, for me to joke around about all the funny job titles moms could have in an effort to change the narrative, but it's so much more than simply creating a new job title. I think before we can expect others to see our roles differently, we have to first see ourselves differently.
In order to demand the respect we want from the world, we have to first respect ourselves and stop downplaying the importance of what we do. At least once a week I fall into a depression about what I do and self-doubt begins to creep in, I start to tell myself that I am not good enough. I put myself down constantly with notions that what I do everyday is less worthy of respect than that of a mom who goes to a professional downtown office . I am truly starting to connect the dots that I need to change my perspective in order to adjust the way the world sees me. For now you can find me over here in front of my mirror practicing my introduction, “My name is Sabrina and no I’m not JUST a stay-at-home-mom I’m actually a successful domestic engineer.”
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